The quietude of the breaking dawn seems to drive me to wakefulness and contemplation. The gentle sound of rain falling filled the air in its own symphony. I lay there alone just lost in thought and sound. A tear silently falls from my eye. “I don’t want you to go.”  Six words that changed everything. Words more intimate than any ever spoken between us. Words spoken on another quiet rainy morning. Words so painful for him to say.  If the wall comes down, the flood will encompass the world, His world, our world. There are no reassurances to utter. No false promises to make. “I will do my best to stay.” I reach a hand out, he holds it tight and then recoils as if my touch is acid. This is all too painful. Living in limbo. Love weighted down by fear.

I think of the two Canadian mounted police officers and the two Las Vegas Police Officers and the New Jersey Firefighter who went to work and never came home. Their loved ones did not want them to go.

I think of the man in the bus coming home from a comedy show, a man driving in a car, a family in a van. Their loved ones did not want them to go.

I think of twenty eight years listening to the sound of the gun safe opening and yet another shift to begin. I say the silent prayer that I have said every time. “I do not want you to go.”

I lay thinking of the luxury I am given. A time to express those feelings and words unsaid. A luxury of choices to live the life worth living. To let go of the minutia. Yes daily tasks still occur; bills, laundry, groceries, doctor appointments. But the riches are mine for the seeking. Take advantage of gifts where you find them I remind myself.  And more tears fall.