The little white pill is so appealing. My bones burn and ache today. My face itches with a rash. My Lupus is rearing its head. It is vicious. It takes no prisoners. I swallow the pill and follow it with a cold drink. The water stings as it drips down my throat. I laugh to myself as my blood work is the best it has been in 5 years. My recent cat scan is a different story. It is so pretty. My blood vessels sparkle on the film. Calcification. My blood vessels are hard and brittle. A time bomb waiting to explode. One piece breaks free and my time on earth ends. One more reminder that the clock is ticking. It hurts. The wave of nausea now comes from fear. Fear of the pain?

The pain is also a pain deep in my heart. I sat beside my child. Mom I read that all that it takes to keep the Lupus away is activity. Keep active. I smile, my child is trying. My heart burns as I wish it was so simple. I thank my child for the advice. I resist the temptation to educate as my child needs to believe in an easy solution. I sigh and suppress the tear with a wipe of my hand. This is pain. A pain no drug will fix. My children are suffering. Why does it have to be so difficult for them? They are watching mom ebb away. They need me and I need to live. It is harder. I am tired and weary. I hold on to the beauty and pleasure that life brings. I try to stem the annoyances generated by my children’s inability to lift a finger or pick up after themselves. They need mom to appear normal. These tasks once effortless are now monumental. I continue to play the hand that is dealt. My deck appears to be short a card. The game seems rigged. The pain is searing,

My eyes are so heavy. My head aches. The ligaments and muscles and tendons cannot bear the touch. I force myself to my feet. I must keep moving. I run from the pain.
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