I woke up shaking and cold. Opening my eyes was a difficult task. The first deep breath of the burns my lungs. Turning over I felt a searing ache across my hips and down my legs. I knew before I saw my face. There I staring in the mirror, the ugly red bumpy butterfly is visible. I rub my face in with the steroid cream and notice my chest too has erupted. It gets a share of cream. So damn sexy.

I return from the bathroom and sit on my bead again. I close my eyes and forced another deep breath. I need to put this in its place. I must send it into the corner. A corner where physical pain sits on a stool getting its grove on. A corner far away from me. I stretch my neck and my head spins. Feels like I’m drunk with no benefit of booze. Shit. This sucks. Force it away. An invasive thought crosses into my mind. “Go back in the corner.” I summon up my inner voice and yell. I pay attention to my breathing. In and out the air moves. My mind begins to clear. Like the red sea it parts into two sides. The pain is screaming, the lupus is active. I cannot soothe that without the little white pill.

The emotional. That is where I can ignite my pilot light. I breathe in and out again. I need to remember to breathe. I focus on me and gently rock. I begin to feel warmer. My mind just focuses on the sound of my breathing. I focus on me, my body and mind. I ignore the sounds around me. I listen to the sound of my breath and placing a hand on my chest feel the beat of my heart. I let myself feel my arms around me, an embrace from within. A tear drops from my eye. Wet and salty it trails down my cheek. I slow the rock and open my eyes. My pain is still there but I feel lighter and emotionally less burdened.