The humidity and heat creates an unbearable duplicity in my body. Fatigue and air hunger add to the myriad of ever present symptoms my mind and body function with daily.

A car ride filled with the frenzy of souls on the road as the panic of the back to school season begins ends in a doctor’s office filled with people who as I listen to the cacophony of whining fills the air. A secretary who whines about the same bad day she has every time I visit the office. A couple who refuses to fill out the paperwork including where they live because they are tired of filling out paperwork. ( i have 17 physicians..do not whine to me about paperwork). A woman and her girlfriend have a conversation about their friend’s prostate at a decibel level that would defy the Blue Angels. An older couple bicker about where to go out to dinner and the fact that Katie Couric looks terrible in that scarf. This discussion was mildly amusing as their love shone through. And the whining continued among the room filled to the gills from every corner. I keep my head buried in my book writing trying to remain disengaged as my daughter hates when I chat. It is hard to explain to her that this keeps my terrifying fear from taking hold. I choose not to whine.

It is my turn to be seen. I am used to the format of discussion exam discussion. My doctor is warm and caring. The discussion well for lack of better terms sucks. I choose not to whine. Tears do sparkle in my eyes The ct scan that showed my miserable kidney stone also showed the utter destruction my disease and its treatment are wreaking on my blood vessels in my abdomen and pelvis. “Your brain has smaller vessels..large clog in smaller vessel.” You get the picture. Thankfully my doctors agree that i deserve to be comfortable. We discuss this as we remove a med that helped my headaches but is contraindicated in kidney stones. Kidneys win this one. Cannot piss them off more. They are spilling protein. I promise to let him know if the right side of my head continues to feel like bombs exploding. We discuss the electrolyte issues secondary to my diarrhea. After tons of tests, probably caused by the cellcept. The drug that is keeping the tenuous thread of my disease and my life balanced. When I cannot stay hydrated and chemically balanced the drug will be stopped. The lupus will win. I discuss my new therapist..it explains my glow. Thank you Don for that peace.

I diligently report to the exam room. My BP rings in at 120/58. The one good thing going on. My neuro exam remains the same…all showing abnormality. A left lacunar infarct and a right frontal lobe infarct plus atrophy in the pons and brainstem will do that. He knows it sucks. I know it sucks. He helps me off the table as we discuss Marc Chagall artwork. That is much more fun than talking about brain decay.

We return to discuss. Renew pain meds. Discontinue other med. Return in two months. A hug and a kiss and I return to the waiting room filled with whining.

I drive with my daughter to the nail salon for a treat. And the same scene plays out again. Whine..the waxing hurt..school starting..the dentist..my toe fungus..my boyfriend.. Blah blah. I smile and breathe. (Don would be happy). Shut out the whine. I am happy for my gifts. I think as I look at my reflection, I do look good. Lol. I wonder why people do not learn to appreciate things and hear themselves. Wine is better than whine.