Yesterday was an event. I woke up miserable after a very restless night. Headache skyrocketed. Sedated that only worked for 3 hours. First threshold. Let’s try new med. Injected and within 30 seconds my heart seized. Not the seize of a set of lips on your throat seize but a life threatening one. Heart rate dropped to 60. My normal is 80. Respirations 8. My normal is 12-20. Bliod pressure 201/107. Not a typo. My head quelled. My heart felt like it was dying. Treatment oxygen, can’t have morphine, can’t have nitrates. Lower BP.was all I heard. Rapid response called. Unable to speak or move. Soaked with sweat. Threshold met.
Today with my oxygen, I watched the sunrise from my perch in my ivory tower. The blessings and peace for another day. The reminder to appreciate life. No threshold met. .
Hospitals are not immune to pathetic. I am so blessed to have a loving family and good friends. Bravery is relative but despite all my temptation to drop the wall it remains stoically bolstered against the tide from hell. For helpless is not permitted. But?
I am writing a second novel and exploring dominant and submissive roles. It is very applicable to hospitals and emotional walls. Honestly i would love to be submissive to some degree as a patient. Have a dom make decisions to insure my health and safety with my pleasure as their overwhelming motivation. To lie back and let the walls fall. To be able to unburden the fears unencumbered by my need to people please. My need to care. The idea is appealing to have sweet hands holding my face in place telling me “I’ve got you.”
Instead i continue to take care of. My role as the domme. My roomate in the early throughs of dementia aware shes losing her mind with no family and friends who are more afraid of her. And a nursing staff who have no clue how to focus her to relax at 330 am so I can get sleep. So my domme did it.
Case in point a friend reaching out on behalf of a friend who has more psych pathology than anyone should be burdened with in a major crisis. So my domme did it.
Case in point a family member who needs more reassurance than the person in the hospital bed. So my domme did it.
I am tired and spiraling down the rabbit hole. My incredible hospitalist embraces my inner submissive by asking “is there anything more i can do for you?” That’s for my inner sub.
I am perched in my ivory tower overlooking downtown Mineola from my cozy hospital bed. Yes my body failed to absorb the clues and infection has dropped me flat on my back. But the infection takes no prisoners. It evokes a systemic response causing my frenemy Lupus to pevert itself. This time my joints and brain are exploding with a burning agony and a pressure that a chainsaw and a drill come to mind as a cure. Primitive but effective. I write this at a lucid moment as the most effective treatment for the brain pain is to sedate me from the world. Now I sit in an early stage of a dilaudid hug. The sedation has worn off and it returns. The doctors are again
concerned
but happy as i am looking better as who would not when the sadists grip of pain is broken albeit for a brief time. I feel wrecked as I feel torn between the bravery wall I maintain to keep the light in my family’s eyes and the utter exhaustion of the battle. But that evaluation is for another day. I feel the tug of sleep from the drug happily injected into my belly.
A life worth living even with Lupus.
Robin's Journey 