Category Archives: Medicine

Death an dying, Fear, Life, Lupus, Medicine

Threshold

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Yesterday was an event. I woke up miserable after a very restless night. Headache skyrocketed. Sedated that only worked for 3 hours. First threshold. Let’s try new med. Injected and within 30 seconds my heart seized. Not the seize of a set of lips on your throat seize but a life threatening one. Heart rate dropped to 60. My normal is 80. Respirations 8. My normal is 12-20. Bliod pressure 201/107. Not a typo. My head quelled. My heart felt like it was dying. Treatment oxygen, can’t have morphine, can’t have nitrates. Lower BP.was all I heard. Rapid response called. Unable to speak or move. Soaked with sweat. Threshold met.

Today with my oxygen, I watched the sunrise from my perch in my ivory tower. The blessings and peace for another day. The reminder to appreciate life. No threshold met. .

Death an dying, Emptiness, Fear, Life, Lupus, Medicine, Pain

Ivory Tower

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I am perched in my ivory tower overlooking downtown Mineola from my cozy hospital bed. Yes my body failed to absorb the clues and infection has dropped me flat on my back. But the infection takes no prisoners. It evokes a systemic response causing my frenemy Lupus to pevert itself. This time my joints and brain are exploding with a burning agony and a pressure that a chainsaw and a drill come to mind as a cure. Primitive but effective. I write this at a lucid moment as the most effective treatment for the brain pain is to sedate me from the world. Now I sit in an early stage of a dilaudid hug. The sedation has worn off and it returns. The doctors are again

concerned

but happy as i am looking better as who would not when the sadists grip of pain is broken albeit for a brief time. I feel wrecked as I feel torn between the bravery wall I maintain to keep the light in my family’s eyes and the utter exhaustion of the battle. But that evaluation is for another day. I feel the tug of sleep from the drug happily injected into my belly.

Death an dying, Fear, Life, Lupus, Medicine, Pain

Wine not whine.

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The humidity and heat creates an unbearable duplicity in my body. Fatigue and air hunger add to the myriad of ever present symptoms my mind and body function with daily.

A car ride filled with the frenzy of souls on the road as the panic of the back to school season begins ends in a doctor’s office filled with people who as I listen to the cacophony of whining fills the air. A secretary who whines about the same bad day she has every time I visit the office. A couple who refuses to fill out the paperwork including where they live because they are tired of filling out paperwork. ( i have 17 physicians..do not whine to me about paperwork). A woman and her girlfriend have a conversation about their friend’s prostate at a decibel level that would defy the Blue Angels. An older couple bicker about where to go out to dinner and the fact that Katie Couric looks terrible in that scarf. This discussion was mildly amusing as their love shone through. And the whining continued among the room filled to the gills from every corner. I keep my head buried in my book writing trying to remain disengaged as my daughter hates when I chat. It is hard to explain to her that this keeps my terrifying fear from taking hold. I choose not to whine.

It is my turn to be seen. I am used to the format of discussion exam discussion. My doctor is warm and caring. The discussion well for lack of better terms sucks. I choose not to whine. Tears do sparkle in my eyes The ct scan that showed my miserable kidney stone also showed the utter destruction my disease and its treatment are wreaking on my blood vessels in my abdomen and pelvis. “Your brain has smaller vessels..large clog in smaller vessel.” You get the picture. Thankfully my doctors agree that i deserve to be comfortable. We discuss this as we remove a med that helped my headaches but is contraindicated in kidney stones. Kidneys win this one. Cannot piss them off more. They are spilling protein. I promise to let him know if the right side of my head continues to feel like bombs exploding. We discuss the electrolyte issues secondary to my diarrhea. After tons of tests, probably caused by the cellcept. The drug that is keeping the tenuous thread of my disease and my life balanced. When I cannot stay hydrated and chemically balanced the drug will be stopped. The lupus will win. I discuss my new therapist..it explains my glow. Thank you Don for that peace.

I diligently report to the exam room. My BP rings in at 120/58. The one good thing going on. My neuro exam remains the same…all showing abnormality. A left lacunar infarct and a right frontal lobe infarct plus atrophy in the pons and brainstem will do that. He knows it sucks. I know it sucks. He helps me off the table as we discuss Marc Chagall artwork. That is much more fun than talking about brain decay.

We return to discuss. Renew pain meds. Discontinue other med. Return in two months. A hug and a kiss and I return to the waiting room filled with whining.

I drive with my daughter to the nail salon for a treat. And the same scene plays out again. Whine..the waxing hurt..school starting..the dentist..my toe fungus..my boyfriend.. Blah blah. I smile and breathe. (Don would be happy). Shut out the whine. I am happy for my gifts. I think as I look at my reflection, I do look good. Lol. I wonder why people do not learn to appreciate things and hear themselves. Wine is better than whine.

Emptiness, Family, Fear, Life, Lupus, Medicine, Pain, Police, Rape, Soul, War

Restlessness

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I sit quietly alone. My eyes close and I begin a meditation for my day. I cannot quell the mental interruptions. An air of restlessness fills me. I breathe. Focus on my breathing, but I cannot. What is filling me with this uneasiness? Again I breathe. My lungs ache. My soul aches. My head pounds. My heart aches. What is it? The seat of my soul screams in pain.

I open my eyes and stare into space. I feel the world. I cannot shake these feelings. Ferguson, Staten Island, Texas, all deaths at the hands of police. 28 years a cop’s wife flies into perspective. I am afraid for him. It has become open season on police. He works as a leader of a group of men who respond when the police call for help. He deals with the craziest, angriest, and most dangerous. He has stood on the remains of the world trade center, has crawled into crushed cars to calm and rescue the injured and trapped, he has forced his way into homes of the deranged threatening to take their own lives and those of others. The list goes on and now I am afraid because it is again politically correct to hate cops. I am afraid.

Two little girls are kidnaped in a small town in NY. They live a simple life. And in a heartbeat it will never be the same. Two monsters take them into a world of darkness by sexually assaulting them. I have two daughters. I am afraid. College campuses catch the news media as sexual assault complaints rise. The debate about morning after remorse vs criminal act continues. I am afraid. Nothing has changed since I was in school. My thesis about the dirty little secret of date rape is as pertinent today as it was then. I close my eyes and feel the evil touch of a man who I considered a friend. I still cannot hear “When doves cry” without wanting to vomit. I have two daughters and I am afraid.

The world is such as small place. I am trained as a research biologist. Ebola and an entire group of other diseases are just a plane ride or gene mutation away from becoming a problem here. I am afraid. I have four children. The keepers of the science have made deadly mistakes in the care of the diseases they study. By the grace of god we have stayed safe. Carelessness will be our undoing as hours are long and the caretakers are reduced in budget fights. I am afraid.

Evil continues to fight in this world. Israel vs. Hamas, Tribal wars in Africa.  Groups so passionate in their beliefs that the murder of children is tolerated. I have four children. I am afraid.

Watch any news show and you see ignorance. People who believe only what they hear. Studies show the more humans hear something, they take it on as their truths. Media obstructs truths. War is ugly, people die. It is not a sanitary process. People fail to follow lawful orders of police. Life is not a law and order episode. There are consequences. Children are disrespectful of teachers and teachers are unable to discipline. Parents rule the schools. Learning disappears. I am afraid.

The fall season is soon upon us. School begins. Life continues its circle. The feeling in my gut begins to swallow me. I feel hollow. My heart beats fast in my chest. My mind races. Breathe. Slow down, Concentrate. Breathe. Fear. Breathe. Why . Hush. My body aches so. I close my eyes. I breathe. I am afraid.