Category Archives: Rape

Emptiness, Family, Fear, Life, Lupus, Medicine, Pain, Police, Rape, Soul, War

Restlessness

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I sit quietly alone. My eyes close and I begin a meditation for my day. I cannot quell the mental interruptions. An air of restlessness fills me. I breathe. Focus on my breathing, but I cannot. What is filling me with this uneasiness? Again I breathe. My lungs ache. My soul aches. My head pounds. My heart aches. What is it? The seat of my soul screams in pain.

I open my eyes and stare into space. I feel the world. I cannot shake these feelings. Ferguson, Staten Island, Texas, all deaths at the hands of police. 28 years a cop’s wife flies into perspective. I am afraid for him. It has become open season on police. He works as a leader of a group of men who respond when the police call for help. He deals with the craziest, angriest, and most dangerous. He has stood on the remains of the world trade center, has crawled into crushed cars to calm and rescue the injured and trapped, he has forced his way into homes of the deranged threatening to take their own lives and those of others. The list goes on and now I am afraid because it is again politically correct to hate cops. I am afraid.

Two little girls are kidnaped in a small town in NY. They live a simple life. And in a heartbeat it will never be the same. Two monsters take them into a world of darkness by sexually assaulting them. I have two daughters. I am afraid. College campuses catch the news media as sexual assault complaints rise. The debate about morning after remorse vs criminal act continues. I am afraid. Nothing has changed since I was in school. My thesis about the dirty little secret of date rape is as pertinent today as it was then. I close my eyes and feel the evil touch of a man who I considered a friend. I still cannot hear “When doves cry” without wanting to vomit. I have two daughters and I am afraid.

The world is such as small place. I am trained as a research biologist. Ebola and an entire group of other diseases are just a plane ride or gene mutation away from becoming a problem here. I am afraid. I have four children. The keepers of the science have made deadly mistakes in the care of the diseases they study. By the grace of god we have stayed safe. Carelessness will be our undoing as hours are long and the caretakers are reduced in budget fights. I am afraid.

Evil continues to fight in this world. Israel vs. Hamas, Tribal wars in Africa.  Groups so passionate in their beliefs that the murder of children is tolerated. I have four children. I am afraid.

Watch any news show and you see ignorance. People who believe only what they hear. Studies show the more humans hear something, they take it on as their truths. Media obstructs truths. War is ugly, people die. It is not a sanitary process. People fail to follow lawful orders of police. Life is not a law and order episode. There are consequences. Children are disrespectful of teachers and teachers are unable to discipline. Parents rule the schools. Learning disappears. I am afraid.

The fall season is soon upon us. School begins. Life continues its circle. The feeling in my gut begins to swallow me. I feel hollow. My heart beats fast in my chest. My mind races. Breathe. Slow down, Concentrate. Breathe. Fear. Breathe. Why . Hush. My body aches so. I close my eyes. I breathe. I am afraid. 

 

Death an dying, Family, Life, Rape, Sex, Uncategorized

Sanctuary

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Amanda Tilton Sea Cliff1

Sanctuary: a place where someone or something is protected or given shelter. I thought about this tonight as I looked at the exquisite picture of home taken by Miss Amanda Tilton.

Sanctuary: a place where someone or something is protected or given shelter. What is sanctuary?

The idea of sanctuary has been elusive to me in my lifetime. The first memory of no sanctuary was a horrid birthday party at age 5. Creepy in a mansion in Bayville, my skin crawled as the puppet man played the piano and the children played musical chairs. My memories are in black and white. Flashes come but I still shake at the incomplete memory.

Another loss of sanctuary was being a 13 yo girl at the Orthopedist with my mom. Sitting on the exam table to get my cast changed. My mom leaves the room. She had her first heart attack. Mom’s can die. She lived to have 5 more heart attacks. But limbo world I lived.

The assault on my psyche continued into college. Not only was it an assault on my psyche but my person and my space. I can still see his face, smell his cheap cologne and feel his cruelty. My apartment was no longer that sunny place. A pretext to study, became an assault. No alcohol. No drugs. Violence and Power. I called a friend who dragged me to the hospital. I returned to class as if nothing at happened. The police strongly advised me it was not worth the pain to report. My senior thesis about “Date Rape” written in 1986 received a commendation from the President’s Office at Stony Brook University. I advocate for Sexual Assault Victims. Sadly today, not much has changed on college campuses. No Sanctuary.

April 2, 2006 my feeling of safety and security flipped as completely upside down as it could. A trip to the ER to confirm a mono diagnosis due to a bad blood drawer turned into a parent’s worst nightmare. “Mrs. Dunn, Can you come speak to me across the hall. Is there someone we can call?” The line remains vivid in my head. T-Cell Leukemia. But he’s just 6 years old.To watch a child endure the vicious testing, treatment, side effects of chemotherapy. To feel ineffective as a parent to your three healthy children who needed a mom, but was too occupied in keeping my youngest alive. To watch a marriage become one of convenience…two ships that pass in the night. Sex was hall sex where we both yelled fuck you at each other. No Sanctuary

And finally the invasion of my body by a cruel and miserable hateful disease Lupus. It attacks the Sanctuary I have all along. Me. For as this disease attacks my brain and body. As it steals pieces of my life, my job, my ability to drive, my memory, my strength, the ability to breathe, alters my relationships with my friends, my family and my husband, I will not let it steal my Sanctuary. Sanctuary is not a place but it is within each and every one of us. My Sanctuary is me.