Tag Archives: Bliss

Death an dying, Fear, Life, Lupus, Pain

Air

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The sun shines in the glorious state of summer moving to fall. The brightness stings my eyes. My head resonates with pain from every sound and flash of light. My face reflects a perfect red butterfly. My body aches. And I gasp for a gulp of crisp delicious air. My hand reaches for the red inhaler. Apropos red, emergency, life. I suck in a puff. My lungs are not open enough to take in enough. I close my eyes and concentrate hard to get in that second puff. I wait.

Today I am fragile. I feel uneasy. I feel exhausted. Air. That sweet breaths that support life. The wafts that make leaves skip in the sky. Support birds and airplanes. Invisible yet so unbelievably necessary. Air that cannot get into my lungs. I feel the quiver in my chest. Air beginning to move through the arid desert that is my lungs.

I live the odyssey. My blood work looked pristine. The doctor says I am working hard. A first in five years. But, there is always a but. The damage is ongoing. The moderate airway damage to my airways is there. The weight that sits on my chest. The pounding in my head. The warning beacons. The constant reminders that life is so important. That the air we expel should be chosen wisely.

I laugh at the weeks reminders and it is only Thursday. The man wasting his air about the possible misdeeds of another. The priest warbling about a life in paradise. I’m sure her parents want her here and could care less about paradise. Politicians preaching about their fixes to a country hopelessly divided and gone astray. Animals in foreign lands preaching deadly philosophies. Animals on home turf equally disturbing. All using and wasting precious air.

I shut the intrusive thoughts away. I close my eyes. I try to breathe that beautiful, crisp, life sustaining air. Air sweet air.

Death an dying, Fear, Feminity, Life, Pain, Soul, Yearning

Presents, Presence and Princess

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This is a tough week my lupus is like an angry witch turning flesh into stone. My body is stiff and sore. My head aches and with each turn the room spins. My joints burn with an insatiable pain and form stiff barriers to motion. My ribs are stiff and inflexible preventing the movement of air. My vision blurry and my face a picture of the red butterfly. Lupus, the wolf is howling at the moon. Despite all this I am peaceful. A peace that comes from deep within and not courtesy of a pill.

Yesterday was my day for me. A therapy session with an incredible man. A dinner with an incredible friend. My soul salved by both. Western medicine has reached a set of limitations. My body ill and frankly I feel just keeping from sinking. My mind active and pleading. Calling constant orders like a marine drill sergeant. I am a victim of my own thoughts. I have entered into a therapeutic relationship that combines dynamic interactive therapy, breath and relaxation techniques, and tactile stimulation. That description defies reality. To me it is like the opening of a flower, unfurling a flag, unwrapping Christmas presents. It is pure peaceful splendid joy. My mind and body is being taught to surrender. Surrender the angry voices, surrender the pain, surrender. In this case it is not giving up. It is surrendering to a war not winnable and raising a gauntlet to find a battle I can win. It is like standing at a door, banging on it to get the attention of someone behind it, my knuckles bloody from the immovable attempt. And then lifting my eyes to see a door wide open beside it and walking through. It is learning asking for what I want and accepting that not only can I attain it but that I deserve it and I am not selfish for asking. Tears fall like rain because I am safe, secure and allowed. This is an amazing gift, being in a space free to be…no worries on what I say or how it sounds. Free to experience because it is a place for me in the presence of someone present for only me. Eyes focused on me, the sound of my name like a beautiful clarinet. Peace and warmth. Sanctuary. Bliss. It is unique to feel honored and special…A princess as she is someone who receives all the spoils of love and adoration without having to constantly be the one in command. I relinquish command. No more sacrifice, no more paying the price. No more feeling as cold as ice to make it through the day. No more detachment from the body that is so trying to fail. My body’s failure is not my failure. The walls are breaking down. I am walking through a new door. God only knows why it has taken myself so long to figure out to take this trip to Bountiful. To this incredible therapist who allows me to be and makes me glow from it all. Bless you.

And to my glorious friend the Red Hare where conversation can go from apple pie to sex toys. I close my eyes and laugh. I can feel it . Open to her presents of presence. Love and friendship shared through time and adversity and amusement. I can smile abandoned as well as cry tears of sadness and joy. Safe to share this trip to bountiful unafraid or embarrassed. To her bless you.

I am learning to be unafraid to walk that mile until there is no more road. And thanks to this love and support I expect it to be a very long trip.