Tag Archives: Dying

Death an dying, Fear, Life, Lupus, Pain

Air

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The sun shines in the glorious state of summer moving to fall. The brightness stings my eyes. My head resonates with pain from every sound and flash of light. My face reflects a perfect red butterfly. My body aches. And I gasp for a gulp of crisp delicious air. My hand reaches for the red inhaler. Apropos red, emergency, life. I suck in a puff. My lungs are not open enough to take in enough. I close my eyes and concentrate hard to get in that second puff. I wait.

Today I am fragile. I feel uneasy. I feel exhausted. Air. That sweet breaths that support life. The wafts that make leaves skip in the sky. Support birds and airplanes. Invisible yet so unbelievably necessary. Air that cannot get into my lungs. I feel the quiver in my chest. Air beginning to move through the arid desert that is my lungs.

I live the odyssey. My blood work looked pristine. The doctor says I am working hard. A first in five years. But, there is always a but. The damage is ongoing. The moderate airway damage to my airways is there. The weight that sits on my chest. The pounding in my head. The warning beacons. The constant reminders that life is so important. That the air we expel should be chosen wisely.

I laugh at the weeks reminders and it is only Thursday. The man wasting his air about the possible misdeeds of another. The priest warbling about a life in paradise. I’m sure her parents want her here and could care less about paradise. Politicians preaching about their fixes to a country hopelessly divided and gone astray. Animals in foreign lands preaching deadly philosophies. Animals on home turf equally disturbing. All using and wasting precious air.

I shut the intrusive thoughts away. I close my eyes. I try to breathe that beautiful, crisp, life sustaining air. Air sweet air.

Death an dying, Life, Soul, Yearning

Boundaries

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How we answer life’s questions defines us all. What are your boundaries? What makes you uncomfortable? How did you get there? What choices do you make?

I sat with two of my children tonight. What is a boundary for one is free and easy for another. Interesting since they grew up in the same home. I find this true in adults too. A group of people all from the same place have such divergent plains. As we age do your boundaries change. Where do you go.

As my time clock begins to tick more loudly my boundaries are growing by leaps. Is it the fear of nothing to lose or is it a desire to feel new? What do I want has begun to drive me. It is not monetary. It is emotional. It is shocking even to me. As i peel back my layers it is amazing and to some daring. To me it is as vital as the air I breathe. Who am I? Now that appears to have easy answers especially to a woman who as some would say was always blunt and clear. That is true for me to answer for others. It is not so easy when I have to answer for me.

I am beginning work with two incredible souls. One is helping me find my words for me. The permissions to explore my boundaries. The other is there to help me push those boundaries and let all the pain go. Fears are supported and acknowledged and eventually placed on a bench beside me. They are part of me. Each session leaves me physically spent as there are not reserves in my tank. But each session also leaves me lighter and more at peace. It leaves me more alert and creative despite my physical brain failing. And they leave me more alive in my failing body. The tears that often coat my face wash away the heaviness I have carried for years. They soften the hard edges. They help me learn to live with all my pieces.

I write this to share my lessons. I am learning to face my fears and hear my inner voice. I appreciate the pleasures the world has for me. I am no longer afraid of my boundaries. Are you?

Death an dying, Emptiness, Family, Life, Pain, Soul, Yearning

Living well while dying or just plain dying well sucks.

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I graduated today. Not in the sense that most people do. I graduated to narcotics. I looked at the CVS bottle, now in the geriatric bottle because my hands cannot handle the twist top filled with the little white pills that fill the news. I sit here and cry another bucket of tears as I pop one into my hand and swallow. I pray it works to take away the pain, I am ready for some relief in my life.

Relief, Ha what a concept. I am tired. The armor I have carried and displayed so long is pock marked with the hell of the war. The disease, I will not even give it the notoriety of its name is wining. Not only is it debilitating me further, today I realized it claimed the life of those I keep dear. In fact they do not read what I write, nor ask or bother with how I feel. Oh yes a proforma are you ok. The fucking answer is no. I hate this and I want to scream and cry and no one in my fucking family especially the man I am married to for 25 years, the man who I have loved forever, has the balls to let me cry. Somehow the intensity that falls out of me is flowing as the clocks seems to be ticking louder scares him to death.It scares me too. I am ready. But the reservoir I need at home is dry and empty. Their fear precludes my needs. I yearn for so much. I can no longer do or fix. Someone else must sign up.

Today, I arranged a lunch date with a friend. I know it was probably a goodbye. We ate a meal and talked silly stuff. We talked about our families. We talked about my Chinese menu,  Jewish funeral planning. My friend is a man. I consider him a dear friend. FRIEND.  Well lock me away in fort Knox. And all it was, was somehow in my heart a so long. A childish temper tantrum by an offspring totally ripped wide the gaping hole of emptiness In my heart. The cavern of emptiness is larger than the grand canyon which sadly will not be discovered by any of those that cause the most pain because they show no interest in my writings. My secrets that somehow the world shares but them..

Two visits to doctors reinforced the time bomb ticking below the surface. The painfully low blood pressure, the pain exploding in my head, my vision blurred, the increased right sided loss of balance demonstrating more brain destruction and potentially another stroke. They won’t subject me to another MRI. No point. The Cryptococcus titers showing positive still..where is it lurking. The 16 hour sleep cycle, the fluid in my lungs . And the list went on. And he promised that I would be given the pain meds that I need. That the worry about addiction is moot. Its only going to get worse.  All I wanted to be held and to cry. So I sit here alone in tears, empty and broken. Reality is hard today.

So this desire to live a life worth living is my wish. It is getting oh so harder. It is especially alone at home. The love and support I receive from those outside my microcosm is so wonderful. My friends in my life are my wellspring eternal. Gifts from my world. That helps me stand. I pray for them daily as without them I would fall. So as I hope for some relief. I pray for some peace..

 

 

 

Arousal, Death an dying, Feminity, Life, Uncategorized

Running on Empty

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I am tired. Not just the tired from working hard. Not the tired of sleeping to little. Just tired. The shell I reside in is no longer maintaining its luster. I hurt. The pain pills barely touch the edge. Monday I will ask for more and stronger. It’s not fair. I am angry. My tools are dulled. My meditation is weakening. My body desperately craves relief. I fight with the stupid. The endorphin rush buys some time. I feel like a fencer. Thrust and pare. My blade powerful enough to eviscerate my wounds. Empty my soul.

What do I want? Will I get that before my last breath? Is it selfish to want? I say no. How do I get it? I grab for it. Trying to do it by living and not sounding like I am on a farewell tour. I want to live. My head is exploding and I dictate this as the waves of nausea crash over me. I want the waves of the sea. Frothy salty waves caressing my body like firm fingers. My flesh needs to warm to the touch from a caress instead of an internal firefight. My bones ache beneath weakened muscles. I want to be carried away onto soft, fluffy pillows supporting me. I turn my head and the world spins. I feel dazed and confused. I want to feel the spin of ecstasy from pure desire and fulfillment.

I close my eyes and let my meditation begin. My mind drifts to me….