Tag Archives: Journey

Family, Fear, Life

The best

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The sound of the barking dog brought me to consciousness. The morning was spent watching my youngest’s football game in the company of my oldest daughter, son and husband. The alarm that morning made me jump. The very first breath unsteady and painful. My nostrils flared at the exertion. I sat up and reached for my inhaler. I sucked in barely able to get the two pulses in. “You must move.” I willed myself.

The walk to the field hurt. The oxycodone was hitting nothing. I held my husbands arm hoping for his strength. I was light headed. I smiled at my fellow parents as I took the stand. The fake smile I was used to giving. I was exhausted. I closed my eyes and made a silent plea. I calmly reached for my mental respite. The sun beat down despite it being early morning and a late September day. There was no escape. We baked. I was cold despite the heat but the ultra violet light was so toxic. I will not give in. I prayed my long sleeves would protect me along with the sunscreen. The game was so terrific and the shy look from my sun on the sidelines made it so worth it. A memory for my sweet angel. The best.

The walk up the path to my front door was unbearable. I felt myself weaken every step. I carried on the silent conversation with myself wishing each step. A made it to the couch and immediately fell into a deep sleep. Flustered six hours later I was conscious. Pain seared me and again I repeated the same routine I have repeated over and over. The inhaler and the pain pill. Just carry me through a dinner with my husband and oldest. Again the best.

I have been sharper and more vital. A thought of maybe things are better. An emotion getting out of my head. I feel the tick of the clock loudly again. My body feels like it is again messing with me. I hope it is different but I flinch. I am no longer interested in the worst. I force my body, like a challenge to hope for the best.

Death an dying, Fear, Life, Lupus, Pain

Air

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The sun shines in the glorious state of summer moving to fall. The brightness stings my eyes. My head resonates with pain from every sound and flash of light. My face reflects a perfect red butterfly. My body aches. And I gasp for a gulp of crisp delicious air. My hand reaches for the red inhaler. Apropos red, emergency, life. I suck in a puff. My lungs are not open enough to take in enough. I close my eyes and concentrate hard to get in that second puff. I wait.

Today I am fragile. I feel uneasy. I feel exhausted. Air. That sweet breaths that support life. The wafts that make leaves skip in the sky. Support birds and airplanes. Invisible yet so unbelievably necessary. Air that cannot get into my lungs. I feel the quiver in my chest. Air beginning to move through the arid desert that is my lungs.

I live the odyssey. My blood work looked pristine. The doctor says I am working hard. A first in five years. But, there is always a but. The damage is ongoing. The moderate airway damage to my airways is there. The weight that sits on my chest. The pounding in my head. The warning beacons. The constant reminders that life is so important. That the air we expel should be chosen wisely.

I laugh at the weeks reminders and it is only Thursday. The man wasting his air about the possible misdeeds of another. The priest warbling about a life in paradise. I’m sure her parents want her here and could care less about paradise. Politicians preaching about their fixes to a country hopelessly divided and gone astray. Animals in foreign lands preaching deadly philosophies. Animals on home turf equally disturbing. All using and wasting precious air.

I shut the intrusive thoughts away. I close my eyes. I try to breathe that beautiful, crisp, life sustaining air. Air sweet air.