The moon is in its glorious fullness. Bright and radiant beginning a new quest in the cosmos. What phase am I in. I am oscillating. I am in a fearful place. I do not expose this to many because it is a cold and lonely place. But I have learned when I share these fears it lifts a bit of my veil of darkness.

I am now wracked by a constant deep dull ache in my side. It is complicated by rhythmic excruciating pain that comes in waves. Add nausea and diarrhea plus chills and sweats. A stone in my kidney and another in the IVJ probably will beckon a more invasive surgical procedure on the horizon/ A day in the life of my physical being. Sadly this leaves me un-phased. The further physical nightmare continues with the incidental pictures on the scans that shows the effect of the lupus and the steroids causing osteoporosis, and the frightening calcification of the vessels in my pelvis and aorta that bodes a miserable ordeal in my future. A time bomb ready to explode, Technicolor on a scan. I wonder why something deadly is so pretty. It is starting to phase me.

But the emotional journey I am on. This so phases me. I am working very hard to find a place of peace to live the rest of my life however long I have. This is more painful than any physical pain I have endured and continue to endure. In the depths of a session working with my therapist to discover life in my body three words turned my world upside down. “I have you” murmured by him as I let go of some emotional ache ripped open a huge gaping emotional wound and started a stream of tears that as of today flow like a sparkling steam down my cheeks. Is that what I want? A resounding yes in the seat of my soul. An intimacy that defies all other pleasures. A need so deep that it explodes through my head. Add a conversation with my mate as I go through yet one more ordeal. .”This does not phase me anymore.” An indifference that breeds such a feeling of disgust and hatred yet I generate forgiveness for that is the only right thing. I want “I have you.”  A phase of my life so yearning that it is unbearable. The emotional need generated by the physical failure of my body? No the emotional need of being a woman alive.

A phase I enter as a woman who deserves the “I want more.” A hand to hold, a touch to my cheek, a hand moving a loose strand of hair behind my ear, a gentle wipe of a tear, a set of arms around me, a gentle pain relieving touch, an intimate touch is what I need, what I want to make it to tomorrow. That phases me. The missing link I feel as my body tries to sort out the misery.

As the Lupus gets mean, and she is. I can fight the physical. That constant voice in my head running my case thanks to a wonderful man’s help is being sent to the bar for a couple of cocktails. But the emotional, that is the tough phase to deal with. To let go is the equivalent of nirvana. The joy of the intimacy of release for my peace is the phase I try to live in. To aspire for to be alive as my body slowly dies.