Surreal. The sun shone brightly. The birds pulled the grubs up from my front lawn. The mailman delivered the mail. The school bus dropped kids off at the corner. The lady who never picks up the poop after her dog walked her dog on our neighbors flowers. Life moved forward.

My husband and I walked into the funeral home. I’ve known the funeral director for years through our town and other connections related to saving lives. Now I was there to talk about my end of life. I sat across the table from my husband and he was frozen and numb. He was burying me already. I am alive. The funeral director and I exchanged war stories as easily as I exchanged the demographics of my life and my death. He was frozen and numb. I am alive. My mind scattered. I walked through the casket room. I am alive. He has me buried. I want more in my life. Anger welled within me. I picked the simple Oak casket. I am a Jew. I want a Chinese menu funeral. I watched him. We discuss a viewing that is not a viewing. We work a way to not be embalmed but to have the no view viewing. He tells the Director this matters to me. He knows what matters to me dead. But I am alive.

The shroud. My mother was very funny about it. She was not going to be buried in a farkakt shroud. She left a Ziploc bag including her panty girdle. She was buried in a simple black dress. My dad was buried in a shroud. I am looking for a white linen dress. He knew that too. I am alive.

I want some flowers, yes I know it’s not Jewish but I want them. I want stories. I have an appointment with a Unitarian minister. My sister wants a Shiva. So we will do that too. He knew that too. But I am alive. I want things now.

So as we wait to total things up. I scan through the floral book. No carnations, no gladiolas, no stands, no funeral vases, natural baskets and vases. He asks me to write it down. I am alive. I want to scream.

Prices in hand. We shake and agree to return with a deposit. This is surreal. I am alive.

We get home and he retreats again. He has me buried. I am alive. I want so much. I ache for our partnership. The human intimacy between married souls. I want life sweet and sensitive. I want life down and dirty. I still feel. I am alive.

I will not retreat. I want to scream. I am alive.