I graduated today. Not in the sense that most people do. I graduated to narcotics. I looked at the CVS bottle, now in the geriatric bottle because my hands cannot handle the twist top filled with the little white pills that fill the news. I sit here and cry another bucket of tears as I pop one into my hand and swallow. I pray it works to take away the pain, I am ready for some relief in my life.

Relief, Ha what a concept. I am tired. The armor I have carried and displayed so long is pock marked with the hell of the war. The disease, I will not even give it the notoriety of its name is wining. Not only is it debilitating me further, today I realized it claimed the life of those I keep dear. In fact they do not read what I write, nor ask or bother with how I feel. Oh yes a proforma are you ok. The fucking answer is no. I hate this and I want to scream and cry and no one in my fucking family especially the man I am married to for 25 years, the man who I have loved forever, has the balls to let me cry. Somehow the intensity that falls out of me is flowing as the clocks seems to be ticking louder scares him to death.It scares me too. I am ready. But the reservoir I need at home is dry and empty. Their fear precludes my needs. I yearn for so much. I can no longer do or fix. Someone else must sign up.

Today, I arranged a lunch date with a friend. I know it was probably a goodbye. We ate a meal and talked silly stuff. We talked about our families. We talked about my Chinese menu,  Jewish funeral planning. My friend is a man. I consider him a dear friend. FRIEND.  Well lock me away in fort Knox. And all it was, was somehow in my heart a so long. A childish temper tantrum by an offspring totally ripped wide the gaping hole of emptiness In my heart. The cavern of emptiness is larger than the grand canyon which sadly will not be discovered by any of those that cause the most pain because they show no interest in my writings. My secrets that somehow the world shares but them..

Two visits to doctors reinforced the time bomb ticking below the surface. The painfully low blood pressure, the pain exploding in my head, my vision blurred, the increased right sided loss of balance demonstrating more brain destruction and potentially another stroke. They won’t subject me to another MRI. No point. The Cryptococcus titers showing positive still..where is it lurking. The 16 hour sleep cycle, the fluid in my lungs . And the list went on. And he promised that I would be given the pain meds that I need. That the worry about addiction is moot. Its only going to get worse.  All I wanted to be held and to cry. So I sit here alone in tears, empty and broken. Reality is hard today.

So this desire to live a life worth living is my wish. It is getting oh so harder. It is especially alone at home. The love and support I receive from those outside my microcosm is so wonderful. My friends in my life are my wellspring eternal. Gifts from my world. That helps me stand. I pray for them daily as without them I would fall. So as I hope for some relief. I pray for some peace..